If cover letters actually contained the truth, here’s what mine would say.
Dear Person in Charge of Hiring/God:
Please hire me for this position. I want nothing more than to work at a fun place with funny people where something is being made, be it a magazine, an episode of a TV show or a website. As a television, book and fashion addict, I can fangirl about any of these things for extended periods of time in a variety of forms. I’m pretty sure I have the experience you are looking for, assuming that what you’re looking for is a tumblr-obsessed recent grad with a slightly larger ass than she’d prefer.
I write for a popular online publication but that isn’t paid, which is kind of bullshit because I write articles for them a lot and some of them get thousands of views and shares. I wrote for my college newspaper as well, which was also unpaid but I like seeing my name in print. Also, I was an intern at a local news station which was kind of fun but mostly boring because there wasn’t a lot to do since it was such a small station. I would like to be on a busy set where people are rushing around a lot and screaming. I like to be where the action is.
I also run my own blog, which sadly does not have a lot of viewers but I enjoy updating it and making it look nice. When I started out, I was pretty convinced that I was going to be the next Blonde Salad and my blog would propel me to internet fame and a life full of free clothing and photo shoots. This did not happen in the least, unfortunately.
Desired compensation is to be paid a lot and get lots of free things at work, such as makeup, tickets to shows and food. Also, I want there to be a constant parade of celebrities in the office so I can meet everyone I admire.
I’m available to start working as soon as you interview me and I move to New York. This could be a few weeks or a month, depending on how much money is in my bank account. I don’t really know because I haven’t checked in a while and I’ve been buying a lot of pine nut-flavored Sabra hummus.